Growing up I’ve experienced many hurtful words from the ones I looked up to, to the ones I sought approval.
My biological fathers’ words: “you’re stupid, no one will ever want you, no one will ever love you, and you are nothing.” My biological mothers’ words: “you’re not my daughter, you’re worthless, you’re weak, no one will ever love or want you, because I don’t love or want you.” My stepfathers’ words: “how stupid can you be? If you really wanted to kill yourself this is what you should’ve done...”
These words were circled around me every day, everywhere, in every setting of my life. From both sides of my blood family to being bullied at school; it seemed these words were inescapable. Of course, I did have my grandmother who raised me and a small portion of my teachers who would say to me, “Don’t believe them. You’re smart, you’re beautiful, you’re wanted, you’re loved.” But somehow I thought they were all lying, because the majority said that I was nothing and for years, I believed them.
My breakthrough in my journey towards overcoming my depression and rejection from others finally came this year; through a prayer of surrender and resuscitation. I could no longer wake up in agony pleading to die, so I asked God to help me!
Under the guidance of an awesome therapist, the love and support of my husband, as well as my God-family; I have separated myself from the toxic circle of individuals whose mission was to damage me and surrounded myself around individuals whose only desire is what’s best for me.
From that day, I can honestly say that I wake up thankful to live and have dedicated my life to encouraging others to break free from their own personal chains.
Has the use of harmful words from others stopped? No, but the harmful behavior towards myself has, and I began to love me, and I mean it, “I love me some Pre.Kaya’!”
In a time when our words mean so much through the interaction of social media; you must realize that your words may have influence over someone else’s life. So, don’t plant seeds that you’ll later regret sowing!
That’s “Write” I said It!
Copyright © 2018 Pre.Kaya’ Gilkey
*I do not have any legal rights to the image as it was through Google*
No one should ever suffer alone is you're experiencing any form or abuse, in a crisis situation, or having thoughts of hurting yourself; please refer to the references bellow:
We can all help prevent suicide. The Lifeline provides 24/7, free and confidential support for people in distress, prevention and crisis resources for you or your loved ones, and best practices for professionals.
Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline at 1-800-4-A-CHILD (1-800-422-4453)
National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1−800−799−7233
Rape Abuse and Incest National Network (RAINN)
1 800 656 HOPE
I’m the shiest person, who’s often heavily criticized
Loathed by many, easily damaged, and broken
My shadow isn’t even noticed, I’m destitute, reeking of loneliness
Merely a dim lens of a camera with an inability to focus
No one wants to be me; I don’t want to be me
Oh, fairy god-mother wave your magic wand so I could be…
The person who everyone praises
Envied by all with the strength of a lion
Possessor of many talents
So bold and fearless, no one would be able to dim how bright I shine
The wealthiest amongst my peers with the justified attire
Never judged because I have the right attitude
I’m like a kite that flies higher and higher
Who wouldn’t desire to be me?
Help me to scratch the surface to the illusion of my reality
Oh happy day my wishes have finally been granted…
But now my puppet strings are tangled and I’m beginning to panic
Feeling like a fly trapped in a spider’s web
Unable to slow the effects of its venom quickening my death
I scream out loud, “Help, someone get them off of me!”
I guess that’s the price you pay for drunken nights, marijuana clouds, and popping ecstasy
I see the rants posted of how I was the whore who egged the rape on
Tissue paper I remove from the trees, along with vulgar signs on my lawn
All eyes are on me as I walk through the halls
Flyers painted of what happened that night on the bathroom walls
I clicked my heals together hoping I could go back to being invisible
Even my best-friend has turned against me finding the nasty rumors irresistible
I rushed home and looked at myself in the mirror locking the bathroom door
Cradled in a fetal position while helplessly crying on the floor
I took a bottle of sleeping pills as an attempt to ease my pain
The illusion of my reality I no longer wanted to entertain
My life was a catastrophe I now wanted to ravage
I woke to electric shocks on my chest and a gastric lavage
If you find yourself in this situation not knowing what to do
Seek help immediately because you’re special and there’s no one in this world who can ever replace you
Copyright © 2018 Pre.Kaya’ Gilkey
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